By Jeremy Wagstaff
(This is a copy of my weekly syndicated column)
You really don't need to thank me, but I think you should know that for the past 10 years I've been fighting a lonely battle on your behalf. I've been taking on mighty corporations to rid the world of spam.
Not the spam you're familiar with. Email spam is still around, it's just not in your inbox, for the most part. Filters do a great job of keeping it out.
I'm talking about more serious things, like eye spam, cabin spam, hand spam, counter spam and now, my most recent campaign, ATM spam.
Now there's a possibility you might not have heard of these terms. Mainly because I made most of them up. But you'll surely have experienced their nefarious effects.
Eye spam is when something is put in front of your face and you can't escape from it. Like ads for other movies on DVDs or in cinemas that you can't skip. Cabin spam is when flight attendants wake you from your post-prandial or takeoff slumber to remind you that you're flying their airline, they hope you have a pleasant flight and there's lots of duty free rubbish you wouldn't otherwise consider buying wending its way down the aisle right now.
Then there's hand-spam: handouts on sidewalks that you have to swerve into oncoming pedestrian traffic to avoid. Counter spam is when you buy something and the assistant tries to sell you something else as well. "Would you like a limited edition pickled Easter Bunny with radioactive ears with that?"
My rearguard action against this is to say "if it's free. If it's not, then you have given me pause for thought. Is my purchase really necessary, if you feel it necessary to offer me more? Is it a good deal for me? No, I think I'll cancel the whole transaction, so you and your bosses may consider the time you're costing me by trying to offload stuff on me I didn't expressly ask for." And then I walk out of the shop, shoeless, shirtless, or hungry, depending on what I was trying to buy, but with that warm feeling that comes from feeling that I stuck it to the man. Or one of his minions, anyway.
And now, ATM spam. In recent months I've noticed my bank will fire a message at me when I'm conducting my automated cash machine business offering some sort of credit card, or car, or complex derivative, I'm not sure what. I've noticed that this happens after I've ordered my cash, but that the cash won't start churning inside the machine until I've responded to this spam message.
Only when I hit the "no" button does the machine start doing its thing. This drives me nuts because once I've entered the details of my ATM transaction I am usually reaching for my wallet ready to catch the notes before they fly around the vestibule or that suspicious looking granny at the next machine makes a grab for them. So to look back at the machine and see this dumb spam message sitting there and no cash irks me no end.
My short-term solution to this is to look deep into the CCTV lens and utter obscenities, but I have of late realized this may not improve my creditworthiness. Neither has it stopped the spam messages.
So I took it to the next person up the chain, a bank staff member standing nearby called Keith. "Not only is this deeply irritating," I told him, "but it's a security risk." He nodded sagely. I suspect my reputation may have preceded me. I won a small victory against this particular bank a few years back when I confided in them that the message that appeared on the screen after customers log out of their Internet banking service---"You've logged out but you haven't logged off", accompanied by a picture of some palm trees and an ad for some holiday service—may confuse and alarm users rather than help them. Eventually the bank agreed to pull the ad.
So I was hoping a discreet word with Keith would do the trick. Is there no way, I said, for users to opt out of these messages? And I told him about my security fears, pointing discreetly to the elderly lady who was now wielding her Zimmer frame menacingly at the door. Keith, whose title, it turns out, is First Impression Officer, said he'd look into it.
So I'm hopeful I will have won another small battle on behalf of us consumers. Yes I know I may sound somewhat eccentric, but that's what they want us to think. My rule of thumb is this: If you want to take up my time trying to sell me something because you know I can't escape, then you should pay for it—the product or my time, take your pick.
Now, while I've got your attention, can I interest you in some of those Easter bunny things? They're actually very good.